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 Mario's Ten Step Guide to a Happy Life

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Posts : 63
Join date : 2011-08-09
Age : 24
Location : Oregon

PostSubject: Mario's Ten Step Guide to a Happy Life   Fri Nov 15, 2013 5:43 am

Step 1: Get out of bed

Before anything else, Mario must get out of bed. As soon as he wakes up he breaks into a cold sweat trying to figure out what muscles move what. Sometimes he gets out of bed fine. Sometimes he bangs his head into the headboard trying to move his legs, and then when he tries to move his head to move his legs he'll get it incorrect, and once again bang his head. Getting out of bed is not as easy as it seems.

Step 2: Go to the bathroom

Houses are very confusing. They often have various rooms, and for Mario it seems that the rooms move each and every day. This might simply be because he's so disoriented from hitting his head on the headboard trying to get out of bed. Regardless, getting to the bathroom is no easy task. Once you do get there, more problems arise. Luigi being in the bathroom isn't a problem- simply knock down the door and toss Luigi out. The problem arises when he isn't totally awake yet, and upon seeing his reflection in the mirror thinks there's an intruder and punches the mirror. This results in either:

A. Mario hurts his hand and the pain causes him to wake up and there are no more problems

B. Mario breaks the glass and thinks he's being attacked, causing him to run out of the house screaming, sometimes into the middle of the street, which is not the best decision.

Last, but not least, is the fact that the bathtub, toilet, and sink look awfully similar at times. The first time Mario took a bath in the sink his weight caused all the pipes to break, which inspired him to become a plumber. This didn't help him understand baths should be taken in the bathtub, though. He just got a bigger sink.

Step 3: Eat breakfast

Breakfast in the most important meal of the day. Mario always has a tough time deciding what to have. Cereal is a good choice, but Mario always gets the order wrong. Instead of get bowl, pour cereal, pour milk; it's pour cereal, pour milk, get bowl, realize bowl is empty, put bowl away, pour cereal, pour milk, realize he doesn't have a bowl, get bowl, realize bowl is empty, repeat. Breakfast is very complicated. Sometimes he just fixes toast, but he often forgets to turn the toaster on, and five hours later Mario can be seen waiting for the toast to pop out. Even when he does remember he often forgets he's supposed to be putting the toast, not his hands, in the toaster. Occasionally Mario just would fix oatmeal, but since the house blew up he's stopped. When all else fails Mario just stuffs random household items in his mouth.

Step 4: Go to work

Mario works at Mushroom Plumbing, and goes there every day after breakfast. He fixes more pipes than anyone else there, though none of them were broken before he arrived. Mario is a valuable asset to the company, helping to keep them out of bankruptcy by paying them $30 an hour, which Mario considers quite generous. Every time Mario has asked for a raise the company has been quick to oblige. They often try to persuade Mario that he's too good of a worker for what he's paying, in hopes he'll ask for another raise. They have to be careful not to raise his salary on their own, because he gets so excited he does his work twice as hard, which has resulted in the town being flooded twice.

Step 5: Play with Luigi

After a hard day at work Mario likes to go home and play with Luigi. This is rather difficult because Luigi often hides to avoid playing with Mario. Often Mario will see Luigi out for a drive in the LuigiMobile while he himself is driving home in the MarioMobile. Upon seeing Mario, Luigi often turns around and heads the other way, regardless of minor things such as oncoming traffic. Mario then chases after Luigi and will try to drive him off the road simply so he can tell Luigi how his day went while their wrecked vehicles are being towed away. After they walk the twenty or thirty miles home, Mario will play catch with Luigi, who often aims for Mario's head. When they're done they'll go inside and play Candyland, where Mario abuses the fact that he can't count and always reaches the goal in one turn. After that Luigi goes outside and stays on the roof for the rest of the evening to avoid being with Mario.

Step 6: Go to school

Since Mario never graduated from Kindergarten he is going to night school in order to get his Degree of Competence. Every evening he sees Mrs. Brane E. Toad, who helps him with such basic skills as counting to ten and learning his alphabet. Mario tries his best to learn, but often gets distracted by his stupidity and forgets why he's in school and goes home. The day he learned his alphabet, while not in order and taking upwards of an hour for him to say, was quite a joy for Mrs. Brane E, who was getting very close to taking him on a field trip to the Grand Canyon and accidentally pushing him off the edge.

Step 7: Eat lunch

Mario eats over two hundred meals a day, but doesn't actually have lunch until midnight in order to convince himself he's not overeating. Mario's lunch normally consists of the food that is left in the house after his previous meals that day. Once Mario is done eating he heads to the grocery store, which will be closed because it's so late, so he waits until morning when it opens.

Step 8: Eat dinner

Dinner is normally eaten while Mario waits for the grocery store to open. This is accomplished by breaking into the store, eating the majority of the food within, and going back outside to wait until the store opens so he can finish his lunch. Police say he's the easiest criminal they've ever caught, and Mario wholeheartedly agrees.

Step 9: Go to sleep

Mario rarely gets to sleep in his own house, and normally spends his few hours of sleep in prison. Everyone else is terrified of his stupidity and stays as far away from him as possible. Mario will often try to cheer everyone up by throwing water balloons at them, but uses rocks instead as there is a shortage of water balloons in jail. This quickly turns into dodgeball since his fellow inmates keep trying to dodge his rocks and will often pick up rocks of their own to throw at Mario, most of which he tries to catch with his face. After this Mario will go to sleep, sometimes after lying down for a bit and sometimes immediately as a result of being hit in the face with a rock.

Step 10: Getting out of jail and home in time to get out of bed

This is the most difficult step, despite the fact that there are no locks on the doors. (There is a trust system-- if you know you're guilty you're trusted to not leave.) Mario is constantly conflicted over whether he's guilty or not, as most of the time he doesn't even remember why he's in jail. Eventually he'll give himself the benefit of the doubt and leave, but occasionally he'll bail himself out if he feels he's guilty. All the policemen love him, because no one else has ever walked out of the cell and paid money before leaving. Even Mario is impressed with himself, despite the fact that unbeknownst to him or the policemen the money is counterfeit. (Luigi makes counterfeit money in his spare time.) Once he is out of jail Mario can go home and lie down in his own bed before his alarm clock rings five seconds later. Then he is back to Step 1, but is well-prepared for the day ahead.

Bonus Step: Rescuing Princess Peach

Every so often Princess Peach gets kidnapped by Bowser, which always messes up Mario's schedule. Regardless of whether he's at work, in jail, or asleep, he'll always stop what he's doing and rush to save Peach. Everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom thinks he's heroic, but in reality Peach will stop sending him welfare checks if he doesn't rescue her, which would prevent him from eating over two hundred meals a day. Mario lives day in and day out with the fear that Peach will get kidnapped and he'll have to risk his life in order to not starve to death. Mario has tried various times to bribe Bowser with Luigi's counterfeit money, but Bowser already produces counterfeit money of his own. One day Mario hopes Peach will stop getting kidnapped, or at least marry Bowser so he won't have to put in any effort to rescue her.
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